It happens to us every day. We're standing at the water cooler, or the bus stop, or in lock down, and some joker struts up and says "How bout that there football game!" For many, this is the opening to a time devouring conversation the likes of which will dwarf all other human interaction for days to come. But then there are those of us who want to throw scalding coffee in their face and scream "I DON'T CARE ABOUT SPORTS YOU CHOWDER-HEAD!"
That's right. I said it. I hate sports and I'm not going to be ashamed of it anymore! I hate the men in skin-tight uniforms. I loathe the childish color schemes, I despise the obnoxious announcers, and I revile the meaningless victories. I would rather stab myself repeatedly in the leg than watch an entire game of football, and football is the mega-sport I hate the least. At least there are massive injuries in football. You don't want to hear what I would do to avoid a game of baseball, or, God help me, cricket.
I am assured in my manliness by my new hobby, watching war. Now there is a real competition. In fact, war was the basis for all forms of sports. Why diddle around with all kinds of namby-pamby rules and safety precautions? When two men fight without trying to kill each other, they just end up groping. Do I need to say it - ass slapping.
Why should I care if San Francisco's burly giant men are going to crush Denver's giant burly men? It's not like the army of San Francisco is going to be pillaging Denver and carrying off its citizens into slavery and prostitution. Now that I would watch! Instead the most we can hope for is that the fans of the winning city will riot and destroy their own town. Which again, seems very backwards to me.
Don't think I'm some sort of sadist. I just think that things should have a point if they're going to consume a massive portion of your brain and your conversational life. War will always be there, like it or not, so we might as well just enjoy the show! You're already rooting for your home team, the good ol' fightin' US of A., so go out there and show your support! If all the fans pull together, I know we can win the World Title this year!
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